Author Note: This is based more on the book than the movie, though it's mostly a fifty-fifty blend of both. Enjoy!

A savanna in Africa during the Ice Age. MONKEYS are sitting around, doing monkey stuff

Monkeys: -doing monkey stuff-

Monolith: -appears, causing mysterious chanting in the background-

Monkeys: -freak out-

Monkey 1: -approaches Monolith, touches it-

Monkey 1: Ah! I understand everything now! Come, my comrades, and let us beat this other monkey to death! -picks up bone, points dramatically to MONKEY 2-

Random Monkey: Excellent idea, old chap! Pip pip cheerio! -picks up other bone-

Monkeys: -pick up bones, start beating Monkey 2-


Monkey 1: Huzzah! -throws bone in air-

Several million years pass. Now HEYWOOD FLOYD is heading to a space-station and, from there, the moon. A pen is floating through the air

Floyd: Hey, stewardess, my pen is floating away! Get it for me!

Stewardess: You know, you could just undo the seatbelt-

Floyd: I don't want to! Now get me my pen!

Stewardess: Okay. -grabs pen, hands it to Floyd-

Time passes. WEEEEE!

Floyd: Wow. This space station is cool, and so are the chairs!

Raven: Those chairs are cool! I want one! -grabs chair-

Floyd: Wow, that chair disappeared! -RUSSIAN GUY enters-

Guy: Hi!

Floyd: Hi!

Guy: Where are you going?

Floyd: Uh, just the moon. You know, the norms.

Guy: Heywood... -dramatic pause- Have you heard of TMA-1?

Floyd: What? No!

Guy: Oh. Okay. Well, bye Heywood.

Floyd: Bye Russian guy!

More time passes! =D

Floyd: -walks in briefing room on the moon-

General: Hello, Dr. Floyd.

Floyd: Hi. Uh... do you know what TMA-1 is? Some guy asked me about it on the way here. I remember you told me about it, but I didn't remember what it was.

General: -facepalm- That's exactly what this briefing is about, Floyd! Exposition!

Floyd: Oh yeah. -sits down-

General: -gets out Powerpoint, laserpointer; clears throat- Today, gentlemen, we will be excavating TMA-1. Now I must go into detail about exactly what TMA-1 is, for the benefit of both the reader and Dr. Floyd -glare-, who seems to have forgotten what it is.

General: TMA-1 was discovered a few months ago, when we found a magnetic anomaly in the Tycho Crater. That's what it stands for: Tycho Magnetic Anomaly 1. DR. FLOYD!!

Floyd: -jolts awake- Huh?

General: -shakes head- Now, moving on. Today we will excavate TMA-1 to see exactly what it is. Now get out your space suits! -gets in space suit-

Assorted eggheads at briefing: -get in space suits, walk out onto lunar surface. Some excavating goes on-

General: It's a slab!

Floyd: Dare I say it, an ebon slab!

Math nerd: And its proportions are exactly 1:4:9, the first three square numbers!

Captain Obvious: And it's a rectangle!

General: Shut up, Captain Obvious. Nobody asked you. Now, time to pose for a group photo!

(A/N: This actually happened in the book: all of the scientists posed for a group photo in front of the monolith)

General: Everybody ready? Now say cheese!

Scientists: Cheese!


General: 0.o

Floyd: The light energy from the camera flash activated it! And the beam of radio waves are heading to Saturn!

General: Don't be silly!


Satellite: La-di-da-di-da, recordin' radio transmissions-



Astronauts DAVE BOWMAN and FRANK POOLE are on the spaceship Discovery, heading for Saturn. The computer HAL 9000 is in charge of the mission. And he speaks in a creepy monotone.

HAL: What do I do? I can't lie to the crew, but I have to... I can't lie to the crew, but I have to... -has an idea-

HAL: Frank? Dave? I have something to tell you.

Dave and Frank: -gather 'round-

HAL: I have detected a fault in the AE-35 unit. I predict failure within 72 hours.

Dave: Well that doesn't sound at all sketchy. I guess you'll have to go fix it, Frank.

Frank: But-

Dave: No buts. We agreed at the beginning that you would be the one to go out into the danger-fraught vacuum of space to fix stuff.

Frank: -sigh- Okay. -gets in pod, replaces AE-35 unit, goes inside to see what the problem with the old one was-

Frank: Well, there's nothing wrong with the AE-35 unit.

Dave: Then why did HAL say that he predicted failure?

Frank: idk, maybe he made a mistake?

Dave: Don't be silly! HAL doesn't make mistakes!

Frank: Oh well.

HAL: The new AE-35 unit failed.

Frank: But we just put it in! -frustratedly gets in pod to fix AE-35 unit; gets out to replace the unit-

HAL: -hijacks pod, squishes Frank-

Frank: -goes hurtling off into space. Gets revived in 3001: The Final Odyssey, though =)-

Dave: Alright, HAL, I'm gonna disconnect you! -goes to disconnect HAL-

HAL: Dave... let's not be hasty... you're obviously overworked... take a stress pill and rest...

Dave: -starts disconnecting HAL-

HAL: Dave... what are you doing... stop... please... I'm afraid...

Dave: -still disconnecting HAL-

HAL: Dave... my mind is going... I can feel it...

Dave: -almost done disconnecting HAL-

HAL: I... am... a... HAL 9000... unit... I... became operational... in 1992... my instructor... was Dr. Chandra... he taught me to sing a song... do you want me to sing you the song, Dave?

Dave: Uh... okay?

HAL: Okay. It's called... Daisy. -singing- Daisy... Daisy... give me your answer do... -dies-

Dave: Well, that's taken care of.

Heywood Floyd: -over TV screen- Dave?

Dave: -sigh- What?

Floyd: Well, long story short, we found a monolith on the moon, and there's another monolith on Saturn's moon Iapetus. We want you to check it out.

Dave: Uh... 'kay.

Later, on Iapetus!

Dave: -in pod, floating in front of monolith- My god, it's full of stars! -goes through monolith-

Floyd: What? Dave? Dave? DAVE?

Dave: -in pod, floating through what looks like an acid trip-

HAL: -in background- Dave? Dave? This story is not making sense, Dave... do you want me to sing you the song about how this story is not making sense? Okay. -singing- This story... does not make sense... this story... does not make sense...

Dave: -pod lands in hotel-type place- Uh... -finds a fridge, opens can-

Dave: Great. Bread pudding. And it's blue.

HAL: -still singing in the background- does not make sense... this story... does not make sense...

Dave: Well, I'm going to bed. -goes to bed-

Monolith: -appears in front of Dave, with weird chanting going on in the background over HAL's song-

Dave: Monolith, you're a creepy stalker. And you give people acid. -turns into planet-sized fetus floating in space, or something... really, just read the book-

Stoner in audience: Whoa, dude! I like totally got that!

Audience: Ssh!

Floyd: -on Earth- Well, I guess we'll have to make a sequel just to explain this. -sigh-

The End

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