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Author Note: This is based more on the book than the movie, though it's mostly a fifty-fifty blend of both. Enjoy!

A savanna in Africa during the Ice Age. MONKEYS are sitting around, doing monkey stuff

Monkeys: -doing monkey stuff-

Monolith: -appears, causing mysterious chanting in the background-

Monkeys: -freak out-

Monkey 1: -approaches Monolith, touches it-

Monkey 1: Ah! I understand everything now! Come, my comrades, and let us beat this other monkey to death! -picks up bone, points dramatically to MONKEY 2-

Random Monkey: Excellent idea, old chap! Pip pip cheerio! -picks up other bone-

Monkeys: -pick up bones, start beating Monkey 2-

Monkey 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! -dies-

Monkey 1: Huzzah! -throws bone in air-


Several million years pass. Now HEYWOOD FLOYD is heading to a space-station and, from there, the moon. A pen is floating through the air

Floyd: Hey, stewardess, my pen is floating away! Get it for me!

Stewardess: You know, you could just undo the seatbelt-

Floyd: I don't want to! Now get me my pen!

Stewardess: Okay. -grabs pen, hands it to Floyd-

Time passes. WEEEEE!

Floyd: Wow. This space station is cool, and so are the chairs!

Raven: Those chairs are cool! I want one! -grabs chair-

Floyd: Wow, that chair disappeared! -RUSSIAN GUY enters-

Guy: Hi!

Floyd: Hi!

Guy: Where are you going?

Floyd: Uh, just the moon. You know, the norms.

Guy: Heywood... -dramatic pause- Have you heard of TMA-1?

Floyd: What? No!

Guy: Oh. Okay. Well, bye Heywood.

Floyd: Bye Russian guy!

More time passes! =D

Floyd: -walks in briefing room on the moon-

General: Hello, Dr. Floyd.

Floyd: Hi. Uh... do you know what TMA-1 is? Some guy asked me about it on the way here. I remember you told me about it, but I didn't remember what it was.

General: -facepalm- That's exactly what this briefing is about, Floyd! Exposition!

Floyd: Oh yeah. -sits down-

General: -gets out Powerpoint, laserpointer; clears throat- Today, gentlemen, we will be excavating TMA-1. Now I must go into detail about exactly what TMA-1 is, for the benefit of both the reader and Dr. Floyd -glare-, who seems to have forgotten what it is.

General: TMA-1 was discovered a few months ago, when we found a magnetic anomaly in the Tycho Crater. That's what it stands for: Tycho Magnetic Anomaly 1. DR. FLOYD!!

Floyd: -jolts awake- Huh?

General: -shakes head- Now, moving on. Today we will excavate TMA-1 to see exactly what it is. Now get out your space suits! -gets in space suit-

Assorted eggheads at briefing: -get in space suits, walk out onto lunar surface. Some excavating goes on-

General: It's a slab!

Floyd: Dare I say it, an ebon slab!

Math nerd: And its proportions are exactly 1:4:9, the first three square numbers!

Captain Obvious: And it's a rectangle!

General: Shut up, Captain Obvious. Nobody asked you. Now, time to pose for a group photo!

(A/N: This actually happened in the book: all of the scientists posed for a group photo in front of the monolith)

General: Everybody ready? Now say cheese!

Scientists: Cheese!

Monolith: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

General: 0.o

Floyd: The light energy from the camera flash activated it! And the beam of radio waves are heading to Saturn!

General: Don't be silly!

MEANWHILE, IN SPACE!

Satellite: La-di-da-di-da, recordin' radio transmissions-

Monolith: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Satellite: OW, MY EARS! MY BEAUTIFUL EARS! THE PAIN!

Astronauts DAVE BOWMAN and FRANK POOLE are on the spaceship Discovery, heading for Saturn. The computer HAL 9000 is in charge of the mission. And he speaks in a creepy monotone.

HAL: What do I do? I can't lie to the crew, but I have to... I can't lie to the crew, but I have to... -has an idea-

HAL: Frank? Dave? I have something to tell you.

Dave and Frank: -gather 'round-

HAL: I have detected a fault in the AE-35 unit. I predict failure within 72 hours.

Dave: Well that doesn't sound at all sketchy. I guess you'll have to go fix it, Frank.

Frank: But-

Dave: No buts. We agreed at the beginning that you would be the one to go out into the danger-fraught vacuum of space to fix stuff.

Frank: -sigh- Okay. -gets in pod, replaces AE-35 unit, goes inside to see what the problem with the old one was-

Frank: Well, there's nothing wrong with the AE-35 unit.

Dave: Then why did HAL say that he predicted failure?

Frank: idk, maybe he made a mistake?

Dave: Don't be silly! HAL doesn't make mistakes!

Frank: Oh well.

HAL: The new AE-35 unit failed.

Frank: But we just put it in! -frustratedly gets in pod to fix AE-35 unit; gets out to replace the unit-

HAL: -hijacks pod, squishes Frank-

Frank: -goes hurtling off into space. Gets revived in 3001: The Final Odyssey, though =)-

Dave: Alright, HAL, I'm gonna disconnect you! -goes to disconnect HAL-

HAL: Dave... let's not be hasty... you're obviously overworked... take a stress pill and rest...

Dave: -starts disconnecting HAL-

HAL: Dave... what are you doing... stop... please... I'm afraid...

Dave: -still disconnecting HAL-

HAL: Dave... my mind is going... I can feel it...

Dave: -almost done disconnecting HAL-

HAL: I... am... a... HAL 9000... unit... I... became operational... in 1992... my instructor... was Dr. Chandra... he taught me to sing a song... do you want me to sing you the song, Dave?

Dave: Uh... okay?

HAL: Okay. It's called... Daisy. -singing- Daisy... Daisy... give me your answer do... -dies-

Dave: Well, that's taken care of.

Heywood Floyd: -over TV screen- Dave?

Dave: -sigh- What?

Floyd: Well, long story short, we found a monolith on the moon, and there's another monolith on Saturn's moon Iapetus. We want you to check it out.

Dave: Uh... 'kay.

Later, on Iapetus!

Dave: -in pod, floating in front of monolith- My god, it's full of stars! -goes through monolith-

Floyd: What? Dave? Dave? DAVE?

Dave: -in pod, floating through what looks like an acid trip-

HAL: -in background- Dave? Dave? This story is not making sense, Dave... do you want me to sing you the song about how this story is not making sense? Okay. -singing- This story... does not make sense... this story... does not make sense...

Dave: -pod lands in hotel-type place- Uh... -finds a fridge, opens can-

Dave: Great. Bread pudding. And it's blue.

HAL: -still singing in the background- does not make sense... this story... does not make sense...

Dave: Well, I'm going to bed. -goes to bed-

Monolith: -appears in front of Dave, with weird chanting going on in the background over HAL's song-

Dave: Monolith, you're a creepy stalker. And you give people acid. -turns into planet-sized fetus floating in space, or something... really, just read the book-

Stoner in audience: Whoa, dude! I like totally got that!

Audience: Ssh!

Floyd: -on Earth- Well, I guess we'll have to make a sequel just to explain this. -sigh-

The End

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